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FML: 2013 Edition

January 28, 2013

Winter weather makes me want to curl up with a giant pizza wrapped around me and snooze while I nibble at my delicious blanket. Seriously.

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And thus winter weather is when I end up really packin’ on the pounds. All I want to do is eat carbs! That’s it! I’m not sure if this counts as an FML, but this feature has not been done in a while, so I thought I would bring back Hangry’s favorite FML’s that feature weight, beauty, self-image, and lots of schadenfreude.

  • Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell her men can’t have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML.
  • Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML.
  • Today, I was at the doctor’s for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, “Oh and if you could lose some weight, that’d be great.” FML.
  • Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML.
  • Today, I had a proper look at myself in the mirror. I have recently lost 5 lbs. Turns out that it mainly shows on my boob. Not boobs. Boob. Right one only. FML.
  • Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML.
  • Today, I yet again purposely avoided the ‘Health and Fitness’ section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML.
  • Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I’m now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he’s over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn’t matter because “it’s the girl’s job to look hot.” FML
  • Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like FML.
  • Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria’s Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, “I wish I looked like that.” He replied with, “Me too.” FML.
  • Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML.
  • Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said “I can’t do it, you’re really wet. It looks like chicken fat.” FML.
  • Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend. He grabbed me double chin and goes “gobble gobble.” FML.

Interestingly, a lot of poultry references in that batch. Hmmm…Anyways! Hope your lives are better than these people’s!

 

(Image courtesy of Postsecret, another addiction of mine–although that particular secret is not mine, as I do not eat fast food. So there.)

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Sexy Curmudgeon permalink
    February 2, 2013 5:40 pm

    I admit, I don’t really like the FML posts – they just get me too depressed…there’s so much sadness out there already! But I will give a big thank you to the postsecret nod…and the pizza blanket. That is an amazing idea.

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