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Humor: FML Edition: October 2012

October 30, 2012

Here we are, in the midst of a Hurricane, homes being destroyed, conditions out of control, fake photos taking over the internet…it’s a mess, no doubt about that. And so, in the spirit of messiness, I have decided to bring back the “FML Edition” of HangryHippo. Maybe we’ll get a laugh out of it while I find out if the tree that fell in front of my house is ever going to get cleared. FML.

  • Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing “we’re through fat slob” on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML.
  • Today, my doctor told me I had “abnormally large breasts.” This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t a 20 year old man. FML.
  • Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. “Oh don’t worry,” she said “I had them photoshop out your gut.” I was talking about my smile. FML.
  • Today, while in acting class, our teacher was giving us all character’s opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like “creepy” and “vulnerable.” I got “extremely sexy.” FML.
  • Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-cofidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at my evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my “extra large figure and average face” to make below average women feel beautiful. FML.
  • Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer “All I want are your sweet titties in my face.” I’m awaiting a response. FML.
  • Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man’s ass for 3 hours.. FML.
  • Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarhip. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was “Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?” and continued taking their order. FML
  • Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her “Have you been dating anyone lately?” Unfortunately with predictive text, “dating” came out as “eating.” I didn’t realize it till after it sent. FML.
  • Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML.
  • Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said “What’s the point? It’s not like you can get lipo on your face!” FML.
  • Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said “Ok sure, a dozen donuts.” She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled “I said 12. NOT a dozen.” FML.
  • Today, it was my boyfriend’s parents’ anniversary so I thought I’d do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML.

Oy. Life is messy, ain’t it? Just be happy that none of these people are you.

(Image courtesy of Blogpsprint)

One Comment leave one →
  1. Helena permalink
    November 21, 2012 4:45 am

    Hilarious! Makes me feel better about my own life…hah.

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