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Humor: FML Edition: August 2012

September 4, 2012

So, I realize it is no longer August and that I completely missed the boat on the very important FML update for the hottest damn month ever. And for that, I truly apologize. FML.

Ain’t that the truth.

Time for our monthly round-up of body image, weight, food, and health related FML’s. Because hearing how bad others have it never fails to make us feel better about ourselves.

  • Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was “faking it the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes.” FML.
  • Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant I work at. They said “Jackson, party of 5.” After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML.
  • Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML.
  • Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn’t. FML.
  • Today, while I was working at McDonald’s, a man and his wife ordered a sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I’d forgotten something. I said “One second, sir. Let me grab your nuts.” I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death stare. FML.
  • Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn’t say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said “I think your tits are smaller.” FML.
  • Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised by the fact that I’m exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I’m just trying to get in shape. FML.
  • Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked “How do you even hug a whale?” My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said “Like this.” FML.
  • Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML.
  • Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote “thanks hippo” instead of “thanks heaps.” To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML. [Ed. note: But was she hangry?]
  • Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I’m still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying “Don’t worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don’t go for looks. You’ll be fine.” FML
  • Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to “It’s Complicated” because I didn’t give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML.
  • Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML.
  • Today, I was babysitting a little girl. We were colouring and she told me she wanted to draw a picture of me. After she was done, she showed me the picture. I’m drawn as a fat cow. The worst part is, the picture actually looks kinda like me. FML.

Life is rough, huh? And because I was a mess and have had no time these past few weeks to do anything online, I’m throwing in this hilarious Postsecret as an added bonus.

(Images courtesy of App4me2 and Postsecret)

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