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Food: Foods With Total Disregard For Human Life

July 3, 2012

Home Run!

I read wayyy too many articles about foods that have not a shred of dignity, foods that will clog your arteries and never call you again, foods that…wait a minute. I’m mixing up men and food again. Dangit! Or am I?

Seriously though, there are some way scary ridiculous food items lurking out there (again, which am I talking about?) that will do serious damage to your body and soul and I’m here to share them with you!

Above we have the motherload of stadium food: Fifth Third Burger, from the Fifth Third Ballpark, West Michigan Whitecaps. This 4,800 calorie concoction consists of:

Start with an 8-inch sesame seed bun that requires 1 pound of dough and is made specially for the Whitecaps by Nantucket Baking Co. of Grand Rapids.

Spoon on nearly a cup of chili and place five one-third pound hamburger patties on top of that. (Get it, 5/3 pounds of beef for the Fifth Third Burger?)

Add five slices of American cheese and liberal doses of salsa, nacho cheese and Fritos. Top it off with lettuce, tomato and sour cream, and you have a burger that can be sliced with a pizza cutter and feed four people for $20. Jalapenos are optional.

If a single person can consume the entire 4-pound finished product in one sitting, the team plans to give him or her a special T-shirt.

WOOHOO! A T-shirt! And doctors bills for the rest of your life.

Next up, we have food facts that may make you never want to eat again. But that’s impossible! you cry. Then read on, dearests, these Disgusting Food Facts:

The average fast food patron eats 12 pubic hairs in a given year

A strawberry McDonald’s milk shake contains 50 artificial flavors

There are bugs and rodent hair in your peanut butter: FDA laws allow for an average of 30 insect fragments per 100 grams of peanut butter. In that same half cup of peanut butter, you’ll also find at least one rodent hair (on average).

Processed cheese is less than 51 percent cheese


Wow. This reminds me of the recent McDonalds escandalo where a worker spit in someones tea and they found his loogie floating on top…you just never know what you’re gonna get.

I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting recently, y’all! I’m sure you’ve missed hearing from me dearly. I’ve been performing with my steel drum band (yep, you read that right) in the Smithsonian Folklife Festival on the National Mall and it’s been eating up (har har) all my time. But keep your eyes peeled and I’ll be in touch.


(Images courtesy of Jockular)

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