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Humor: FML June 2012 Edition

June 19, 2012

FML…in mint form!

 

It’s that time a month again, folks! Huh, I just realize how that sounded. I’m not talking about “Aunt Flo” here, but FML Edition for June!!! Wow, I can’t believe it’s already mid-June and sweltering out. Where does the time go? My 20s are just flying by (and killing me slowly and painfully).

My FML for this week (oh, but there are so many to choose from) is that the last post I wrote did not go through at all and deleted itself!! I’m so embarrassed about my “12 Easy Ways to Estimate Portion Sizes” post because it was a disaster and I didn’t even realize it! Ugh. Sorry about that, y’all. All fixed now. So, let’s get to the good stuff! Other people’s pain!

  • Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML. [Ed. note: Me too! Skills!]
  • Today, it’s my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML.
  • Today, my two favorite things in the world are pizza and beer…I now discover I have Celiac and can’t have either. FML.
  • Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML.
  • Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML.
  • Today, I texted my mom to see if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied “No fatty, walk home.” I have a broken foot.  FML. [Ed note: What is with all these terrible parents?!]
  • Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said “Do you think I could model?” I blurted out, “Yes…for a plus-size clothing line.” FML.
  • Today, I am not allowed to have any of my candy because of my sister’s weight problem. FML.
  • Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form too. I said “Oh, I’m not signing up.” He replied “Out of all of you, you need it the most.” He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML.
  • Today, I found out the love of my life, who I’ve been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I’m the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML.
  • Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn’t crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said “Don’t worry, fat people are used to it.” FML.
  • Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn’t pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I’m the mommy. FML.
  • Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched “I’m not pregnant!” FML.

 

Oh life. You are too cruel. And I’ve decided that every FML post, I will include a song to brighten your day! This month: I Could Never Be Your Woman! Thanks to my dear reader I.S. for sharing it with me.

 

(Image courtesy of It’s Sugar)

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