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Humor Inspiration: FML May 2012 Edition

May 17, 2012

The other night, I awoke with a start from my slumber with this thought in my brains: “DID I POST AN FML EDITION FOR MAY YET ON HANGRYHIPPO?!” Yes, folks, this blog is literally keeping me awake at night. That scares me. But anyways, life could be a lot worse, right!? And that’s the point of these FML’s, to give us a bit of perspective, particularly in the weight/body image/food/health categories. It could always be worse.

See, Margot knows: It Could Always Be Worse

  • Today, I found out that my wife purposefully eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I’m deathly allergic to peanuts. FML.
  • Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying “Thank god, thank god.” At first I was relieved. Then she said “I thought you were just getting fat.”  FML.
  • Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says “MOOOOO.” FML.
  • Today, I realized my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML.
  • Today, while in bed with my fiancee, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said “No, I don’t feel like squeezing into them again.” I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML.
  • Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready.  FML.
  • Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML. [Ed. note: Cookies always win]
  • Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML.
  • Today, I bout my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she’d decided to go on a diet. After I’d left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I’d wasted my money, and to get her “another damn pie.” FML.
  • Today, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I’d been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML.
  • Today, I was having lunch at McDonald’s when I dropped a French Fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML.
  • Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single, and jobless. FML.
  • Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML.

 

Oh life. You never fail to disappoint. Personally, my recent FML’s have been that I’ve put on weight (FML); that while my African drum/dance class is leaving for Ghana today, I am stuck living back at home and working my old messy job (FML); that I’m so tired all the time that I’m starting to question if I have some rare disorder (FML)…and the list goes on.

But there’s always a bright side, right? For instance, I am going to see this fabulous performer tonight. Double woot!

 

What is your FML of the day/week/month? Do share!

 

(Image courtesy of NomanSays)

 

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 18, 2012 7:57 am

    Today the internet went out for 5 minutes! Prolly the worst FML

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