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Humor Inspiration: FML April 2012 Edition

April 3, 2012

Yes, it’s a new month (I can’t believe it…where is the time going) and that means…a new batch of FML’s about body-image, exercise, food, and weight!! Woooohoooo. For some reason (read: schadenfreude schadenfreude schadenfreude!!!), these monthly posts are my favorites. They not only help me to feel better about the sad state of my own life, but I also get the Avenue Q song stuck in my head every.single.time and Avenue Q is so utterly brilliant that it takes me to my happy place! My schadenfreude place!

  • Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I’m pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML.
  • Today, I had to cut short my New Year’s resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I’m sitting at home in a cast.  FML.
  • Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that’s okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML.
  • Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML.
  • Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a “fat b****” today. She held me at arms length, looked at me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, “You can’t change who you are.” FML.
  • Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook “Someone should kidnap me for the day.” My mom commented, “The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they’d mistaken you for a cow.” 16 people liked her comment.  FML. [Ed. note: Who are these mothers?!]
  • Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman’s fat folds. FML.
  • Today, I’ve found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I’m working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML.
  • Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML.
  • Today, I found out that the daily “vitamins” that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML.

“Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken!” Oh schadenfreude. Thank you for existing. It can’t get much worse, right?!?! Good luck with the rest of April, y’all.

(Image courtesy of FML blog!)

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