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Diet Fad: The Floss Diet

August 11, 2011

Use oral restriction devices to control portions and caloric intake!

What? Ok, to be honest, I have heard of people having their jaws wired shut (remember the Tonga post, anyone?) which is absurd inandofitself but this is just a ridiculously pathetic, low-grade version of that! Remember that diet review site that I was so astounded by? Well, allow them to explain this mess to you:

[The Floss Diet is] by definition is an innovative method in which dental floss is fashioned and self-administered as an oral restrictive device and behavior modification tool. You can use this oral device to have real and interactive support that helps moderate food intake. The floss restricts the opening between teeth. Having a smaller opening requires smaller pieces of food to pass through, which slows down the ability to ingest food. As a result your brain can receive the signal that the stomach is full using less food and fewer calories.

What on earth! Floss is for flossing, people! And seriously, no floss is strong enough to keep me from a piece of German chocolate cake! Get real! That’s why they have to use metal wiring for the people who go for the real deal! SO THAT THEIR MOUTH CANNOT ESCAPE!

So far, I do not approve of this diet unless this is the type of floss you are using:

My Dream Floss

My Dream Floss

But please, tell me more.

The Floss Diet gives a different approach that is inexpensive and doesn’t involve a long list of unrecognizable ingredients. Using an oral restrictive device made of dental floss may be the help that is needed for those that have trouble controlling their portion sizes or eat too quickly. There are no outrageous weight loss claims involved; just a simple reduction of calories through oral restraint that you are completely in control of.

Homygoodness. Seriously is this what we as human beings have come to? We can invent skyscrapers and the internets (ugh and ugh, by the way), get our a** to the moon and back, and create beauty such as this (warning if you click on that: tears may come to your eyes and you will definitely have the urge to dance and possibly pour water all over yourself), but now we are attempting to seal our mouths shut with DENTAL FLOSS?! Ugh the inhumanity!

Also, who wrote this mess of a review? I’m thinking it was the creator of the Floss Diet him/herself because please take a look at the pros and cons:

PRO

  • Can be an effective way to restrict calories
  • Book encourages calorie restriction and exercise
  • Offers a simple solution using dental floss and a few other tools
  • Discuses various oral devices that can be used
  • Speaks candidly of the stigma involved with using oral restriction devices
  • Safer than diet pills that claim to reduce your appetite
  • Reduces calories without harmful substances
  • Includes pictures for proper technique
  • Works with the diet of your choice

CON

  • May not appeal to men
  • Possible stigma associations may keep people from giving this a real chance
  • Not recommended for those with bridges, crowns, implants or other dental devices

For realz? “May not appeal to men“?? How about “may not appeal to anyone with half a brain cell or any dignity whatsoever.” Also, in the “Exercise” recommendations:

Exercise is encouraged because the body was made to move. Whether you go to a gym or workout at home, you need to move.

Ahahahaha. This is too ludicrous for words. So I shall now open up this forum for your comments while I go use floss to…floss. After eating. So there.

(Image courtesy of Gear Diary, a very cool techie site which I admire muchly)

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. August 11, 2011 3:29 pm

    This is so ridiculous!! Omg!

    I’m pretty sure floss isn’t going to keep me from eating anything, lol. It purely willpower at that point and if that was something I had a lot of, I wouldn’t need to waste money on floss.

  2. August 11, 2011 3:29 pm

    it’s****

  3. TBM permalink
    August 11, 2011 4:10 pm

    Thank you, I needed both that link (motivating) and this post (to remind me that my body was ‘made to move’). I’m going to go for a walk now.

  4. jenmarie permalink
    August 11, 2011 5:50 pm

    Ok, first of all, I NEED to get my hands on some bacon floss! I’m particularly fond of the con: “possible stigma associations may keep people from giving this a real chance.” Well, yes, having to explain at a business lunch or romantic dinner why you must navigate through a floss barrier to feed yourself sounds absolutely humiliating! The book claims that the device “will not be seen by others” but, come on, people are going to notice something weird going on in your mouth. I can’t believe there is an entire book on this diet!!! WOW.

    • Henryka permalink
      August 22, 2011 4:42 am

      I have worn the floss to work for 4 months and no one noticed ( I ended up asking people if they noticed anything different). At first I only used it at home, then ventured out with it to the outside world. You would not put it on going a romantic dinner; you could wear if all day resising temptations, then take it off, so you could enjoy the romantic dinner to the fullest. It is not a floss barrier. It’s not something you wear 24/7. It’s only two pieces of floss attached to upper and lower molar. You would not be able to take a Tbs. full with food, or bite into a Whopper. You would have to cut the Whopper into tps. size pieces. It would only slow you down, or make you think before you put something in your mouth. It takes less than one minute to apply or remove…. It is a behavior modification tool. It is self administered; you would decide when, and if you want to put it on. There are more humiliating items people put in their mouths. I would suggest you try it on in the privacy of your own home when you’re flossing. However, there is a special hitch method used, and I am not sure you would be able to do it on your own. Why do you have such a strong reaction to the idea? The book makes no claims. The author talks about her experience and the experience of other women who tried it. The book is so much fun. It reads like novel and you will wonder if it’s for real. It would make a great gift for every dieter. My father and sister rely on a pacing device to keep their hearts beating; maybe, in a near future there will be a sophisticated oral pacing device to help people battle obesity. Floss is primitive but it’s affordable for most.

  5. Fedora permalink
    August 12, 2011 1:24 am

    I have long been a proponent of the Almost any sex toy would do, so long as there is lots of tape. This makes it harder to eat- thus you lose weight. It would also makes me laugh, very hard, seeing someone try to execute it.

  6. Fedora permalink
    August 12, 2011 1:25 am

    hmm, I accidently deleted part of my first sentence. It made more sense with that sentence. I am not going to correct it though. Post fail.

  7. Creamonina permalink
    August 12, 2011 4:23 pm

    You’re hilarious. I’m confused as to why “excellent dental hygiene” isnt a pro.

    also, im intrigued and completely confused by this whole flavored floss thing you bring upso i did some searching: http://www.mcphee.com/shop/search.php?search_query=floss&x=0&y=0. RANCH? PICKLE floss? that shit is gross.

  8. Creamonina permalink
    August 12, 2011 4:42 pm

    also, ok. so after some months on the floss diet, people get all cut calories thin and beautiful but UM hello??! where is this con??: “NO ONE WILL WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU”. Imagine you’re on some date, in your head youre all like shit my date is emaciated, i bet they totally tried that awesome new floss diet, and then all of a sudden they lean in for the kiss like: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110723002045/disney/images/9/93/Nightmare-before-christmas-jack-face-movie-poster-GB2208.jpg. HELL NO. that shit is creepy as hell.

  9. Alia permalink
    August 12, 2011 8:43 pm

    is.this.for.real. but no really. ALSO, “using dental floss and a few other tools.” a few other TOOLS? um. . .

  10. sexy curmudgeon permalink
    August 13, 2011 4:23 pm

    This was hilarious and extremely well-written. And I do give the floss diet credit because it is clearly REAL ART – as a good friend of mine once said, “well, we’re talking about it, so it did its job.”

    • Henryka permalink
      August 22, 2011 4:55 am

      Thank you for talking about it. Thank you for saying it is REAL ART. The Floss Diet book is a little tree-saver; original art piece. I wanted to call it “La Lure, the Designer Diet” but I knew it was going to be called “The Floss Diet.” This is so much fun. All these people talking about my book and they haven’t read it! I wonder what they going to say when they read it. And for the record the author did not write the diet review.

  11. Vanessa D. permalink
    August 14, 2011 9:00 pm

    Carla mentioned your blog to me awhile back, and I’ve finally had a chance to look through it. As I suspected, it is fantastic- humorous, subversively critical and entertaining. Loving the topics and your writing so far!

  12. AJCP permalink
    August 15, 2011 12:30 pm

    Brilliant! I’ve always said to myself that if I could only restrict the amount of food that passes through my teeth spaces, then I could finally loose some wait! The answer is finally here!

    • Henryka permalink
      August 22, 2011 5:49 am

      AJCP. Brillian it is, even if I say so myself. It was the answer for me, and it may be for many others. I don’t think I could have written the book when I was younger. But now, at the end of my life there is confidence and conviciton that allows me to be a laughing stock for some. I would love to be known as the grandmother whose claim to fame were two pieces of floss…
      I don’t think I am going to live to see the fruits of this book; although, I envision much safer oral devices as a result, than the bariatric procedures offer now. The Hangryhippo said,” We can invent skyscrapers and the internets (ugh and ugh, by the way), get our ass to the moon and back, and create beauty such as this (warning if you click on that: tears may come to your eyes and you will definitely have the urge to dance and possibly pour water all over yourself), but now we are attempting to seal our mouths shut with DENTAL FLOSS?! Ugh the inhumanity!”
      My answer:Then, why don’t we have a sophisticated nano oral pacing device to prevent oobesity? Yes, yes, yes, but they still use duct tape on the space station… and there are millons of people who never seen a skyscraper or have clean water. And, there are millions who use a good old stick for support to help them walk (the super sophisticated aluminium model on wheels is not for everybody). I’ll put up the two peaces of floss against any oral restrictive device that is on the pattend board, or the market today, and I think the “FLOSS” would be a winner. Hangryhippo is wrong: Floss is not used to seal a mouth; Floss is used to create a smaller space for food to pass through. The experts have not done much to help the obesity epidemic. Does anyone recall the story of a little 8 year old Dutch boy who discovered a leak in a dike, and he used his little finger to plug the hole to save his village from flooding… Moral of this story is: A little floss can help you keep a steady pace, and finish the race.

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